Climb up over the top,
Survey the state of the soul,
You’ve got to find out for yourself,
Whether or not you’re truly trying.

dangit

Sometimes things or people just sneak up and take you by surprise and steal your heart away. This is a perfect example.

Little dreamboat Courtney

http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/hulu/vi458856729

love this lil video...

♥

Fury

winter birds

this is how i see you

♥ this song big.

I Wish You Love

This song is so cozy. It always reminds me of the holidays. ♥

shh

I just can't believe it's December. Seems like it was just turning cool outside and the leaves were just starting to turn colors. Now winter is in full swing. Thanksgiving just didn't seem like Thanksgiving this year, with Granny passing away 3 days before. But...it was what it was....a day to be thankful, and I definitely was.

I'm thankful today as well for a day off! It feels like I haven't had one in weeks. There's been so much going on I haven't really had time to stop and take in the season at all. So today, I'm doing some Christmas shopping online, writing out Christmas cards, cooking a home made meal, all in my pjs. I'm currently on my third cup of coffee and feeling the effects in my shopping carts haha!

Oh how I have missed quiet time.

11-19-10

It's finally November 19th. I can't believe it's finally here. I've waited years! I remember the last cruise I went on over a year ago...talking about the release date of this film and it's finally here! I couldn't even sleep last night! I got teary this morning reading a message a friend sent to me about her experience at midnight last night when she saw it with her husband. My nerd is shining through I'm aware...but I don't even care. Not one tiny bit. I'm going to squeel and cry with the rest of them tonight and it's going to be amazing!!!

oh desire can cause heart attacks

I've had a great week. I'm sure this time of year is contributing. Everythings so cozy. I woke up this morning to birds singing me a song and sunshine filling up the house and I had to stop and give thanks for it all. I've spent the entire morning listening to old favorite songs. I've really missed that quiet time of just listening to music. My new job completely cut that out, which is a blessing in itself, but I do miss the down time. I miss you tube something fierce. So this morning I've been spending time with old favorites and it's been lovely.

and it continues...

st..st..stuck like glue

So many awesome things are going on in this video. Lets name a few. Bens hair. I don't tink I've ever seen it so long. The hat and glasses combo that goes stunningly with his sexy blue shirt. How he's singing a key lower than the album version. The way the sun is reflecting off of his glasses when he sings my favorite line from the song...'when you smile, the sun it peeks through the clouds'. *sigh* I just love this song so. And of course, the beard. Always the beard.


We play a fun little game of fantasy husband and wives. My wife has always been the same and her husband has always been the same. Its funny because we have to pick for the other person, you can't pick your own husband or wife. Vans had a hard time lately picking me a husband. She's been going back and forth for months. First, it was the obvious choice...Ray. But...taking a closer look, he's just too otherworldly. He should just be alone for the rest of his life, going around changing lives and bringing greatness to all. Then she picked Dan. Sexy Dan. But...after taking a closer look at him, decided that he might not be my type afterall. So as of now, she's decided on little Ben here. He's got all the atributes of a good husband for me. The beard, the vegitarianism. He's got a sweet little aura about him thats really what makes me love him most. A humanitarian, an amazing singer/songwriter. We'll see how he fits for a while. For the first couple of years I was married to Ryan Gosling but we just outgrew eachother I think. It was tough and we're still fond of eachother but it's time to move on.

As of late...

This is a leaf vase I made first night of class.

Here are a few recent pieces that have yet to be glazed.

On a cute shelf!

These still need handles.

This class is coming to a close and the new one starts up in a couple weeks. I think now more than ever I need to stay with it and learn as much as possible. I'm finally able to enroll in an intermediate class and that excites me beyond belief! The next class after this is glazing and firing, which is crucial if I'm ever going to fire a kiln at home. So...upward and onward!

One Month Exactly!

scratch one off

I am finally getting to mark something off my list of things to do before I die! I will be seeing Sarah McLachlan live in November! I got the tickets over a week ago and it still hasn't hit me yet. AND it's at the Ryman! I loooooooove shows at the Ryman. It always sounds so good.

The new job is swell. I'm thankful for a day off today. I was so tired last night I almost fell asleep in my dinner plate. I'm used to sitting all day doing pretty much nothing so all that up and down and bending wore me out! In a good way though. Everyone is really sweet and accepting. I was a little shocked at all the gossiping and judgemental comments. That's not real cool. It'll keep me on my toes at least, not to fall into that kinda thing myself. I'm just relieved to not be sitting there at my old desk, pointless with 4 walls closing in on me anymore.

Class was canceled this week due to Jackie taking a trip to Mexico to see her parents. I was thankful for that as well. It'll give me this week to catch my breath and get used to my new routine. All in all I'm very grateful this week for many, many things. I start getting in the mindset of  'i dont deserve all this' and then think better of it. I do deserve it!

Love a good re-blog

Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 1 dedicated trailer released 23sept10

I'm proud too Lainey!

There's some good tunes happenin' right now! I've missed these guys! Shit yes!

here's to all you crazy dreamers

Here's to all you crazy dreamers
Dream your crazy dreams
Dont let them go
Deep inside your heart I'm sure you know
Deep inside your heart I'm sure you know

Here's to all you crazy lovers
Love the one's you love
And serve them well
Give yourself some time and time will tell
For he to love another got to love himself

La, la la

Here's to all you crazy dreamers
Dream your crazy dreams
Dont let them slip away
There's more to life then living day to day
There's more to life then living day to day

Here's to all you crazy lovers
Love the one's you love
Don't let them go
Deep inside your soul that love will grow
And deep inside your soul that love will grow

La, la, la

Ready - Steady - Go!

I feel like someone has lit a fire right under my ass.

It’s alarming how much lighter I feel. It makes me wonder what I was doing to my self when I felt such a heavy weight. That’s not good for you.

Which, got me thinking the obvious. What took me so long?

As I was sitting here pondering on that question, I heard a voice!! This is the exciting part, because believe me, I have been waiting for this to happen. The voice has always been there, I’ve just never been able to hear it before. And what it said makes perfect sense.

Why did I stay here for 9 years when I wasn’t happy? Why did I hang on to this job for dear life when there were so many other things I wanted to be doing? Why did I mess up every relationship I’ve ever had until this one? Why did I push people away? Why couldn’t I let go? Why am I just now realizing what I want to do with my life?

Because I wasn’t ready!

It’s such a simple answer and it really sheds light on how much I worry about things that I shouldn’t worry about. I think I’ll write Elizabeth Gilbert a letter and tell her about my encounter with my Self. I’m that excited about it!

I get nervous about everything that’s happening and I get nervous about making the right decisions but one thing I know with all my heart is that I am ready! I am so ready.

Music...

I thank God for the beauty of music in this world, amidst all the shit.

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."

I Fucking Did It!!

I quit my job today. Finally, finally. It's been such a long time coming and I know in my bones it was the right thing to do. I just can't be somewhere and do something that I'm not meant to do. It just feels all wrong and wears me down and makes me sick inside. And what is worth that?

I'm excited for the future and feel like I'm actually moving forward! For the first time in a good while I'm back on the tracks and getting somewhere! TooooooT ToooooT!

In class last night I made my best pot ever. I am so stoked! And my instructor told me that I'm pretty good for a beginner, which surprised me. I feel so behind and amateur. But I am learning alot. Hopefully I can retain it all and be able to continue improving. It's like a high when a piece actually comes out looking halfway decent. I've learned that the clay I've been using at home is crap. No wonder I couldn't center. I had hardly no problems at all centering last night. No where near the rib cracking sessions I've been having at home. So that's a relief to know. I thought maybe it just wasn't meant to be and that I'd never learn to center correctly. Centering is definitely the hardest part. Jackie said last night that so many students drop out because they can't center. I believe it. It's taken me over a year and I'm just now getting it! I'm impatient though. But....I Fucking Did It!

Crushes...

A few dresses I've been crushing on this week. The first is from Anthropology (insert sight). I could spend my lifes earning on their things.

Next is a sweet little vintage dress from the 50's. Hand made.

And lastly, an Etsy dress made from organic hemp cotton fleece. So lovely for fall.

Also from Etsy I'm really dreaming of this sweater. I want!

Henry....It's a shame

Finally!



It's not the best quality, but at least it's something! It was magical from the second row! Around the 5 minute mark is when it starts getting really fun.

Otherworldly

Ahh Sunday. It was a good day. One of those truly good days from start to finish. Took our time getting to Nashville. Arrived around 5:00 and had dinner before heading over to the venue. Went straight to will call to pick up the tickets with the venue change after the flood and all I was a little nervous about the tickets being there. Alas, they were there and all was super. We waited in line for about half an hour to be the first few in line for the merch stands. Love my shirt. Van said it must have been made just for me.

The quacking best ever doesn’t even really convey how awesome our seats were. Just as I could never ever get across how amazing the entire show was. Van, bless her, was teary almost every song. We had awesome seat neighbors. The girl beside me was the best of them all. She was probably in her late 30s, dressed to the nines with her glass of wine. I thought she would be one of those who sat motionless through the entire thing and then just stands up to stiffly leave when its over. Ha! She was awesome. She and I could barely keep it in the seats. Her crazy dancin’ was encouraging my crazy dancin’ and we were just two crazies breakin it down in our own crazy ways. Vans neighbor was a guy in his late 20s probably who was easily pegged as a hard core like us. He was smiling the entire time and pounding his fists on his legs with vigor.

This is the third time I’ve had such awesome seats to see Ray and didn’t bring my camera. I always regret it a tinge but am always glad I didn’t. I just can’t see me with a camera in Rays face snapping away. That’s just not his way and I wouldn’t want to disrespect him that way.

Every song was amazing. He sounded wonderful and came back out for one more which was also specially just for me....Jolene.

My absolute favorite of the night though was Henry Nearly Killed Me. Oh my God!! I am heartbroken that there’s not a video of it on youtube yet. I don’t even know what happened. I almost broke the chair slapping the seat up and down on the frame. After the song was over I looked at Savanna and the girl beside me and we all had the same look on our faces like....did that just happen? That’s the only time I’ve ever wished I’d recorded a show. I’d rather enjoy it in the moment than trying to hold up a video camera but the second it was over I was immediately sad that I wouldn’t get to experience it again.

We decided to leave after Ray and not stay for David Gray, which I only partially regret. It was late already and with a 3 hour drive we bailed. I saw what I came to see. Sooo we went on a mad hunt for someone up top to give our tickets to. I was so excited about making someones night that I was running up the steps toward the top like a mad woman. We picked a couple two rows from the very top in the very back. They were so cute. I asked them if they were big David Gray fans and they looked at us all confused but then I told them that we had two second row seats right in the dead center and we were leaving if they wanted them. They asked if I was serious. YES!! I think I was more excited for them than they were for themselves! I know that excitement to sit that close to someone you love. So they jumped up and ran towards the floor! Yay! I hope they enjoyed David’s show as much as I enjoyed Ray’s show. It definitely ended the night on a high. Not that I could really get any higher.

I found a couple videos from the show...


Like Rock and Roll and Radio

I've waited and waited.

It's perfection!

I can't even say anything more.

Except, this record is so personal to me. And already I love it dearly. We're old friends...me and Ray. And this Sunday we'll finally get to spend a little time together down in Nashville. I'm delighted!

Prayers and Mantras and Crazyness

I always have a 3 o'clock snack. It's how I make it through the days. It's usually fruit or yogurt or an organic protein bar. Today, my 3 o'clock snack was a bagel. With the cream cheese. I've fallen on hard times....what can I say? Other than cheese, which is my all time favorite food in all the world, these particular bagels are my most favorite thing to eat. I'm well aware they're not the most healthy choice but my body literally craves them. It's the strangest thing. And I'm not making this up! At least they're free of high fructose corn syrup and most of those yucky things, so I do feel better about that. But I'm afraid that even if they weren't HFCS free...I'd probably still be eating them everyday. If for some reason I don't get to eat one for breakfast I will crave them throughout the day. And I'll smell them at odd times. They creep into my thoughts when I least expect it and seduce me into one! Like now. I have a perfectly good banana sitting here on my desk, which I'd planned to have all day when three rolled around but instead, my mind swindled me right into a bagel. My second of the day! I will definitely have to fit in a workout tonight.


I have been in another realm of reality for the past few weeks. I've been a little worried about myself a few times. Things are happening and changing and happening. I've felt so out of control and that's not my favorite feeling. I can't even begin to explain it all, but changes are happening all around. So many of them. I get dizzy from it sometimes. My magical book is almost finished and I am sad that it's over. I honestly don't think I would have made it through this stressful time if I hadn't had this book to guide me. Okay I take that back. I would have made it, but I probably would have had some sort of breakdown in the process. It couldn't have come to me at a better time. Like a sign. That's what I've taken it as. It's like every page was written just for me. And I've submerged myself in it, sometimes reading parts over and over until I understand the meaning fully. Which I don’t always, some things are way over my head.



My 11 year old son is in therapy for anxiety. There is no stress in the world like when there’s something wrong with your child. Especially when you can do absolutely nothing to make them feel better. The doctor has told me that it’s probably hereditary, which makes me feel terrible, knowing that I’ve cursed him for like with worry. But this intense worrying that he’s been doing is so unhealthy and scary. He’s not sleeping much, he’s crying a good 4 nights out of 7. He thinks about it all day at school. The worst part for me is the physical changes that I’ve seen in him. He looks so worried and depressed. Not all of the time, but a lot, and it’s not getting any better. He wants to be close to me all the time and doesn’t want to go anywhere if I’m not going to be there. I did this too when I was little, but not to this extreme. His therapist has told him to write about it and get all of his thoughts out. He has been doing that the past two weeks but I don’t see that it’s helping him at all. Yesterday at his appointment, he was telling her about his worries with dying. Him dying, me dying, my mom dying. Apparently she think he’s having issues with the unknown of what happens after you die. So....she told him it might be a good idea to ask his family what they believe happens after you die. Yikes. This is something I wasn’t prepared for. In large part because I want to tell him that I believe when you die that you go to heaven to be with Jesus. I feel that that is what I am supposed to tell him, although that’s not necessarily what I believe. I’m just now exploring and learning about what I believe to be true, but I don’t think right now is the best time to tell him that. I don’t want to scare him more.



Van and I have been discussing religion and beliefs for quite a while and decided a while back to explore all of our options because neither of us are real big on organized religion. But lately, especially lately, I’ve been getting a better sense of what I believe and want to practice. But just because that’s what I believe, I don’t want him to think that it’s the only way or that he has to believe it too. I want him to have his own beliefs.



So, the past few weeks have been crazy with little sleep, new responsibilities, interviews, doctor visits, homework, new habits, new awakenings, signing up for classes, stress, fear, frustration. AHHHH!!! It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Even writing about it now it’s a little crazy how much things have changed in such a short amount of time. Hopefully we’ll all adjust and settle down. That’s what I’m praying anyways.

re do

Harry Potter Deathly Hallows featurettes 11aug10

This is why I love Lainey. Oh so often, we have such similar opinions. Especially and always on Harry Potter.

From my little corner of the world

On my lunch hour today I was looking out of the window, too hot to sit outside, and I was daydreaming about what it would feel like if I actually got up and went out and rolled around on the front lawn of my work place. I've had this particular daydream several times before. The grass there is different than any other around here. It's so fluffy and green and perfectly inviting.


There is also a lovely row of bright red flowers out front and I wondered what it might feel like if I were to lay down right in the middle of them as well. Why don't people actually act out these crazy fantasies? What stops people from doing exactly what they want the moment they want to do it? Fear of not being accepted I suppose. I think it's usually that little voice inside that says something to the effect of: "Eh...I'll do it one day."


But why can't 'one day' be today?

Make my day

First thing this morning I was looking at one of my favorite etsy shops and look what I saw...

How happy is that?!

Something really significant happened last night. And it's funny because I was feeling so guilty for spending $12 on a book. Because that's just something I do not do. As an obsessive compulsive book hoarder, I am the mother of all deal finders when it comes to purchasing a book. So I carried said book around for half an hour or so trying to talk myself out of paying full price for the coveted written word. Then I bit the bullet and paid the$12 plus tax.

And then from page number one I was completely gobbled up. This is a different kind of feeling. It's something big. Like when you buy the record that will unknowingly become your favorite of all time. I'm only on page 41 and I feel something at work. And this time it's not forced or imaginary. I almost don't even want to speak of it.

+



= a lot of awesomeness

Farewell

In preparation for leaving, today I started sorting through 9 years of crap on this computer. There's so much music and so many pictures and little things that I've saved over the years. There's alot that I've deleted and alot that I'll be saving as well. Reading through some things, I started thinking about how much things have changed since I started working here 9 years ago. How much I have changed. I was just a kid when I started here in 2001. Two week before September 11th.

I found a letter today that I wrote to someone that was very special to me. It's in the delete pile, but I wanted to read it one last time and put it up here for a last goodbye of sorts. I remember the feelings I had when I wrote this and the feelings I had for a long time afterwards. I've been inspired lately to share and not hold back so what the hell. It happened, and I felt it so why be ashamed of it now?

It’s been forever since I last saw you. Since the last time you walked out after trying one last time to change my mind. I knew of your new “love” and how you told me you could fall in love with her. That she reminded you of me. That she was pretty, but not as pretty as me. I remember the times you pleaded with me to open up and let you love me. You said you didn’t want me to miss out on you because you knew you could love me forever and you wanted me to have that kind of love. That I would be missing out on something great and that one day I would regret it. That one day it would be too late. I think deep down I was scared to death that you were right but was too blinded by the world that was waiting to listen. I was restless.

I had so much growing up to do and so many things to see and people to experience and so much to learn about myself.

I remember looking into your eyes and knowing without a single doubt that you loved me. I remember the exact moment that I fell in love with you. Laying in bed while you were sleeping, looking out the window and feeling like my heart would bust. Knowing that I’d never loved anyone that much.


Looking back, I can’t pinpoint where things started to go wrong. Who’s fault it initially was. We both contributed to an unhealthy relationship and still held on for dear life. In the end though, it was me who made the most mistakes. I had so many great reasons back then why I wanted and needed to get out. I couldn’t wait to.


I did experience new people and places and learned a lot about myself and the world and had those times I wanted so bad to have. I had wonderful times with some really great people and made lots of memories. I changed into a completely different person. But what I’ve come to realize years later, is that I always took you with me. Even when months would pass without a single thought of you. Somehow you made the journey with me. Maybe it’s because you were my first real love. People say you never forget your first love. But it’s more than just never forgetting.


I can still see your face on the day we sat out in that open field after I’d hurt you pretty badly. You were so hurt and disappointed in me and I remember telling myself that things would be different from that day on. That I’d never hurt you again. But I was wrong.


I remember your face when we were sitting in the parking lot in the rain and you cried and told me that you couldn’t do it anymore.


I remember when we got caught in that storm at the Morgan County fair. Watching you run in the rain to get the truck and looking back at me and smiling.


I remember the way you’d cling your teeth together with that little crooked smile when you were nervous.


I remember your hands.

I remember the building you used to stop at everyday on the way to work and call me. I pass by there and think of you every time.

I remember when we first met. How we’d play those Kenny Chesney songs over and over and stare at one another from across the store. We drove everyone crazy.


I remember the first time I kissed you and the song that was on the radio right afterwards.

God I remember everything. So many random smiles and facial expressions that are etched in my memory forever. Your nervous habits, your accent that I would tease you about, the day we met, our first little lunch at McDonald's when we threw fries at each other, the songs we would play, sitting in the parking lot after work just talking about everything and nothing. I remember the moment I knew I was in love, I remember the moment I knew it was over and every other moment in between.


Most of all though, I remember exactly the way you looked at me. Like you loved me. It was there in your eyes and I remember it more plainly than anything else.


Knowing you the way I do, I know that you’ve been over me for years and that you love your wife with everything you have. I know that you give yourself to her completely and that you’re in love with her. I know that you wouldn’t have married her if you weren’t. I know that you want to be with her forever and want to spend your life making her happy. I know that you’re a wonderful daddy. I know that you’re proud of your family and that they’re everything to you. I also know, that way more than I should, I wish it was me.


I wish I was the one you loved like that. That I had met you later in life and that I’d married you the way we had planned. That we had a little girl that looked like you.


You’re in my thoughts no matter how much time goes by, or who you marry or how far away you are or how many kids you have. No matter how hard I try to push you out. No matter who I love or what I do.


I wish I could say it’s something I’ve just learned to live with. That it’s okay that I feel this way and I’m used to it.


I wish I could just leave the past in the past and be okay with the memories.


I wish I didn’t have so much regret when it comes to you.


I wish I didn’t love you anymore.


I wish I could stop dreaming about you.

I wish I didn’t think of you and feel guilty about it.

I wish I’d never found out that you were married.

I wish those songs didn’t antagonize me the way they do.


I wish you had tried harder to get me to kiss you the last time I saw you.


I wish I could honestly say that you and I didn’t work out because of whatever reason and not because we didn’t try hard enough.


I wish I had that list of all the things I loved about you that you hung on your wall.

I wish I could go back and re-live so many days.

I wish I could believe that I won’t love you for the rest of my life.

I wish I could fucking let go.


I wish that I could just remember you and smile and not feel anything but happy that you’re happy.
I wish I didn’t remember every little detail of so many days with you.


I wish you had better memories of me.


I wish all those times that you wanted me to sit closer to you in your tuck that I had just done it and not worried so much about my shirt getting wrinkled or messing my hair up.


I read someone’s comment today on youtube that said she had been married 42 years and still remembers and loves her first love from when she was 17. That’s scary. It kind of slapped me across the face and made me realize that there’s a very real possibility that I might always feel this way. That scares me. I don’t want to. I don’t necessarily want to forget all the memories that I have, but I don’t want to be haunted by them anymore either.


I try to look at it any other way than regret. I don’t want to carry that around with me all my life. But so far I have. I remember every stupid mistake I made and every careless thing I did to push us farther apart.


Maybe I feel like....if I write them all down they’ll somehow mean more or maybe I worry that I’ll forget them one day. I don’t think I could.

I guess I thought that I could go off and do whatever I wanted and you’d always be there waiting for me. I kept you at arms length just for safe keeping. And when you came and told me that you found someone that you could fall in love with, I sent you straight to her and told you to go for it. Maybe I couldn’t have done anything. Maybe you would have ended up together no matter what I did or said, but there’s that part of me that kicks myself for it. I was too caught up in my own dramas to give a shit about anything else. Too caught up and selfish to see what I was throwing away. Not until wayyyyy later did I realize it. When it was too late. Just like you said.


I think about it a lot...the day I found out you were married. We were sitting at Calhoun’s with your mom and she was talking about her sons being married and was showing pictures of her grand baby. I was blown away and really since that day, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. At first I was so shocked because I guess even though I hadn’t talked to you in years, there was something inside me that just always thought you could never love anyone else that way. You were always so serious about marriage that it floored me that you would marry someone else. I’m still shocked. I know that you wouldn’t marry her if you had any doubt whatsoever that she was the one for you. That’s just who you are, which I love that about you, but it just makes me all the more sick inside, for knowing it.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will probably always feel this way. Maybe I have a lifetime of it ahead of me. Maybe that’s what I deserve.

But it dawns on me often, when I’m driving down the road, or when I hear a song, or when I’m laying in bed... that feeling I always had with you. That content feeling that was always there, even when we were fighting. That feeling that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. I don’t think I’ll ever find it again. I think that feeling is how you know when it's right.

 I guess I should be happy that I ever felt it at all, right? I guess that’s one way of looking at it. Maybe I should just try to be thankful that you ever loved me at all.


I went to the drive in the other night. Your Mom & Dad were there and I looked around for you frantically. Half hoping that you’d be there and half that you wouldn’t. I had to go to the bathroom and cry it out. I don’t want to live my life that way! I thought sending you a message and telling you that I was sorry and that I regret it would make me feel better. Be some sort of closure, but it wasn’t.


It didn’t help at all.


You’ve been at the center of my thoughts this week and stupidly, I cried myself to sleep last night. I was laying there, thinking of how you were probably laying in bed as well, the happiest you’ve ever been in your life and I couldn’t for the life of me stop myself from crying about it.


I keep hoping that I’ll stop thinking about every little word you ever said to me, or every picture I ever took of you or every single time I hurt you. God knows I've tried. But...I miss you. And I'm sorry. 

Reading back over that now I feel sorry for who I was when I wrote that. How sad. On the other hand, I'm thankful that I've moved past it and put it behind me and dealt with what it all means. I no longer torture myself over it and spend way too many hours pining over something that's long and buried. But I'm thankful for the experience of it. I think a little heartbreak is good for the soul. You have to have a taste of it to appreciate everything else. Even though I sound ridiculously like a desperate crazy ex girlfriend in that letter, I'm glad I saved it so I could remember what that felt like. It's always good to learn from your mistakes.

Now I realize what it means to be set free
It's the chance to breathe in every thing
Finally...something good

I've spent pretty much the entire month of July wallowing in a big ole puddle of self pity. It's disgusting and nasty and I am done. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and worrying myself sick. It's not attractive, it's not healthy and it's pissing me off. It's taken this swift kick in the ass for me to wake up and take a look around and realize what's going on around me. I've been floating around in my safe little bubble here for the past 9 years or so and it's like I was hiding away from life in a way. Hiding from what I really want to do or what makes me happy. All for the sake of safety. I guess in my situation at the time, it was the right thing to do. Being a single mother with not many options.

But things are different and times they are a changin'. I've spent so much time and energy being resentful of this change. So much so that I wasn't able to see it for what it is. This is my chance! It's my time to shine!

I am fortunate enough to find myself in a situation now, where it's okay to take risks. I have way more flexibility and room to explore what it is that I want to do. So instead of seeing this as a tragedy, I'm finally able to see it as the opposite. This has happened for a reason. Maybe it's the universes way of telling me to get my ass in gear and do something good for myself.

I know that getting exactly what I want may take some time and some work and there will be sacrifices in between, but it'll be worth it in the end. So for now, I'm starting from scratch and making the most of it.

okay, i will, definitely

You Don't Know Me

Several things have made my day today and this is definitely one of them. This is one of my favoritest songs!

etsy love

I'm dreaming tonight...

House lust...

I'd also take the house from Bewitched...

And the house from Stepmom. *sigh*

Please and thank you!

I love older, cozy, charming houses. I'd take an old charmer over a new house any day. I'm very excited about house hunting. I love dreamy little places.

And in my wildest dreams...a room similar to this...

well...hell fire

I have had an epiphany of sorts this month. I can't recall when exactly it happened but I am both thankful and resentful about it. After finally realizing this wonderful fact about myself, I suddenly felt...weak...for a lack of better words. Stupid maybe. I'm referring to many posts I've made about moving on and living in the past and not being able to let go.

Being in love with the idea of love is something I think we all experience at some point in our lives and mistake that for the feeling of being in love with someone. I'm guilty and I've learned from it. This isn't quite the same thing, but on the same level. And when I realized what my problem has been it was a huge weight lifted from me. As a result, I was pissed! What a waste of time!

It's very hard to go throughout life without regrets and I get so hung up on them sometimes it turns to other things and lingers inside me like a damn disease. I get so caught up on what I'm probably missing that I take for granted what I have now. Apparently, with me, that process is unavoidable so I am thankful that I at least can realize it's happening and take a step back and evaluate my life and blessings. Take inventory of what makes up who I am.

Today I've been asking myself...now that I realize what the issue has been, does that make it go away? No, not completely, but I do feel that I am better able to differentiate between reality and the hypothetical that I had created in my mind. Which, is all apart of that letting go process that I seem to have such a hard time with. One thing at a time, right?

"sometimes i can hear my bones

straining under the weight of all

the lives i'm not living"

- jonathan safran foer

in the dumps

The past few weeks have been a stressful time for me. My boss is retiring and I've been forced into an entirely new job. New office, new responsibilities, new people, new students, new phone numbers, pretty much new everything. It's come as such a shock to me I still just cannot get over it. I wish so much that I could have a positive attitude about it but I am dreading it immensley.

I've been evaluating my life and seriously entertaining the idea of quitting. My job, not my life. When I close my eyes and picture where I want to be in life, it's not here. I'm extremely fortunate and I hope I never take that for granted. I know that I'm among the few who have a full time reliable job and a roof over my head. All my bills are paid and I have money in my wallet. I am thankful for those things and I feel guilty for wanting more. Is it wrong to want something more for yourself? I cannot stand the feeling I have day after day, sitting here feeling like I am wasting my life away. Like it is such a waste of time every single day. And that's a shame. I'm not helping anyone, not making anyones life richer or fuller by being here, not saving a life or helping the earth. Not feeding my soul or my spirit in any way. It makes me sad! Is it too much to ask for a rewarding job? I hear people say that they love their jobs all the time and I envy that.

I wish it was as easy as figuring out what I want to do and go do it. And maybe it really is but in my mind there's something stopping me. It's very draining and depressing. I'm trying not to let it bring me down but it's tough! I wish I was the kind of person who liked going to school and could go get some sort of degree. But I absolutely hated school and wouldn't go back if someone paid me. I know that sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and hang in there as best you can. Seems that's what everyone thinks I should do. But that thought alone depresses me. *sigh*

restless spirit

Infinite Arms

THIS is mah favorite song off their new record. I just found this video today and am very stoked! I was going on earlier today about BOH and Ben and how I have some sort of fascination with him. What a talented human! I love every thing about him from his excellent beard right down to his little girls name. And they are way underrated. But...that's okay...that just means they'll stay my tasty little secret even longer.



p.s. i love hd videos

Deathly

This is where I post all my most favorites so it's only right this is added. My nerd is shining through I suppose but I embrace it if that's what it is because I have never been this excited about a movie in my thirty one years.

I get teary every time I watch this trailer. Speically at the part when it says "The motion picture event of a generation." Yes, it is.

Surely...SURELY...there will finally be an Oscar. They've been robbed every time.

5 months till this movie so I'm reading again from the beginning starting this month and it gives me the bg's just thinking about it.

For Today

Lately I’ve been taking frequent trips into the past. I’ve been wondering why I did certain things or reacted a certain way. It’s fascinating how much we grow and change over time and how our priorities change.


There are those rare times when you’re actually in the moment and you stop and think to yourself...I’ll always remember this. This is special. But those times are few and far between and it’s usually not until much later when you’re sorting through cloudy memories and trying desperately to remember how something felt that you wish you’d paid more attention.


And then there’s those memories that are so vivid you can't rid your brain of them whether you're conscious or in dreams. They slowly seep into the cracks and fill you up drop by drop until there's an overflow. Those are the ones I’ve been hung up on.


It’s usually a song. I’ll hear it and freeze in my tracks. That happened today and it immediately reminded me of something specific. A night that wasn’t meant to be anything special. No grand actions were taken to make it unforgettable. But somehow it was. I still remember that night clearly as if it recently happened. In reality, it was a good 8 years ago.


Sometimes it really weighs heavy on my mind and I wonder why I think of them so often and why I can recall them so poignantly. I’ve lost sleep over it and shed many tears and felt guilt over the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about them but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that - they were the best of times. It was a critical time in my life where I was growing and changing and learning and becoming the person that I am today. But there’s a longing in the way I remember them. A feeling that settles into my bones when I think about being in that moment. A regret, a jealousy, a sadness.


It’s been a real struggle to transition those thoughts into fondness rather than regret. Obviously, so many years later I still haven’t gotten there and I wonder what’s the hold up.


I’m ready. I’m ready to be past the sadness and the regret and the longing and cross over into the fond remembrance phase where you think back on something with a smile and in the same second are grateful for who and where you are today. Instead, I still have those days where I spend the whole day missing those times so bad I can hardly breathe.


It’s an odd thing to know that you had everything you could ever want in the palm of your hand at one time in your life and you threw it all away. Not really knowing at the time that it would be everything you ever wanted. It’s so ironic that my mind can’t even comprehend it most of the time.
 
The guilt inevitably sets in. Because I know that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. I have absolutely everything. And I am so thankful for the blessings in my life. I know that I'm so lucky that every single morning I am able to get into my new car and go buy a coffee on the way to work. I think about it every single day and am grateful. It's that mindset that people are never satisfied with what they have. Always wanting more. I don't want to contribute to that whatsoever.
 
I see it as a balloon in the wind that wants so badly to be free but something is holding the string and not letting go. The balloon swoops from side to side but can never completely fly away. It's smothering sometimes.
 
I talked to a friend about this a short time ago and we both wondered if this is Karma of some kind. Part of me thinks it is.
 
Emotions are strange. Just a couple of weeks ago I had tears in my eyes and a lightness in my heart and wanted to shout out loud that one person shouldn't hold that much happiness. Today, I'm wondering if I'm being held responsible for my actions in ways that bind me inside myself, wishing to feel free again. It will pass, as it always does. But I'm thankful that I'm aware. Fate has not pulled the wool over my eyes.

Now I'm alive and my soul is on fire. And I breathe and I love and I sing and you can't stop me!