well...hell fire

I have had an epiphany of sorts this month. I can't recall when exactly it happened but I am both thankful and resentful about it. After finally realizing this wonderful fact about myself, I suddenly felt...weak...for a lack of better words. Stupid maybe. I'm referring to many posts I've made about moving on and living in the past and not being able to let go.

Being in love with the idea of love is something I think we all experience at some point in our lives and mistake that for the feeling of being in love with someone. I'm guilty and I've learned from it. This isn't quite the same thing, but on the same level. And when I realized what my problem has been it was a huge weight lifted from me. As a result, I was pissed! What a waste of time!

It's very hard to go throughout life without regrets and I get so hung up on them sometimes it turns to other things and lingers inside me like a damn disease. I get so caught up on what I'm probably missing that I take for granted what I have now. Apparently, with me, that process is unavoidable so I am thankful that I at least can realize it's happening and take a step back and evaluate my life and blessings. Take inventory of what makes up who I am.

Today I've been asking myself...now that I realize what the issue has been, does that make it go away? No, not completely, but I do feel that I am better able to differentiate between reality and the hypothetical that I had created in my mind. Which, is all apart of that letting go process that I seem to have such a hard time with. One thing at a time, right?