For Today

Lately I’ve been taking frequent trips into the past. I’ve been wondering why I did certain things or reacted a certain way. It’s fascinating how much we grow and change over time and how our priorities change.


There are those rare times when you’re actually in the moment and you stop and think to yourself...I’ll always remember this. This is special. But those times are few and far between and it’s usually not until much later when you’re sorting through cloudy memories and trying desperately to remember how something felt that you wish you’d paid more attention.


And then there’s those memories that are so vivid you can't rid your brain of them whether you're conscious or in dreams. They slowly seep into the cracks and fill you up drop by drop until there's an overflow. Those are the ones I’ve been hung up on.


It’s usually a song. I’ll hear it and freeze in my tracks. That happened today and it immediately reminded me of something specific. A night that wasn’t meant to be anything special. No grand actions were taken to make it unforgettable. But somehow it was. I still remember that night clearly as if it recently happened. In reality, it was a good 8 years ago.


Sometimes it really weighs heavy on my mind and I wonder why I think of them so often and why I can recall them so poignantly. I’ve lost sleep over it and shed many tears and felt guilt over the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about them but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that - they were the best of times. It was a critical time in my life where I was growing and changing and learning and becoming the person that I am today. But there’s a longing in the way I remember them. A feeling that settles into my bones when I think about being in that moment. A regret, a jealousy, a sadness.


It’s been a real struggle to transition those thoughts into fondness rather than regret. Obviously, so many years later I still haven’t gotten there and I wonder what’s the hold up.


I’m ready. I’m ready to be past the sadness and the regret and the longing and cross over into the fond remembrance phase where you think back on something with a smile and in the same second are grateful for who and where you are today. Instead, I still have those days where I spend the whole day missing those times so bad I can hardly breathe.


It’s an odd thing to know that you had everything you could ever want in the palm of your hand at one time in your life and you threw it all away. Not really knowing at the time that it would be everything you ever wanted. It’s so ironic that my mind can’t even comprehend it most of the time.
 
The guilt inevitably sets in. Because I know that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. I have absolutely everything. And I am so thankful for the blessings in my life. I know that I'm so lucky that every single morning I am able to get into my new car and go buy a coffee on the way to work. I think about it every single day and am grateful. It's that mindset that people are never satisfied with what they have. Always wanting more. I don't want to contribute to that whatsoever.
 
I see it as a balloon in the wind that wants so badly to be free but something is holding the string and not letting go. The balloon swoops from side to side but can never completely fly away. It's smothering sometimes.
 
I talked to a friend about this a short time ago and we both wondered if this is Karma of some kind. Part of me thinks it is.
 
Emotions are strange. Just a couple of weeks ago I had tears in my eyes and a lightness in my heart and wanted to shout out loud that one person shouldn't hold that much happiness. Today, I'm wondering if I'm being held responsible for my actions in ways that bind me inside myself, wishing to feel free again. It will pass, as it always does. But I'm thankful that I'm aware. Fate has not pulled the wool over my eyes.