The past few weeks have been a stressful time for me. My boss is retiring and I've been forced into an entirely new job. New office, new responsibilities, new people, new students, new phone numbers, pretty much new everything. It's come as such a shock to me I still just cannot get over it. I wish so much that I could have a positive attitude about it but I am dreading it immensley.
I've been evaluating my life and seriously entertaining the idea of quitting. My job, not my life. When I close my eyes and picture where I want to be in life, it's not here. I'm extremely fortunate and I hope I never take that for granted. I know that I'm among the few who have a full time reliable job and a roof over my head. All my bills are paid and I have money in my wallet. I am thankful for those things and I feel guilty for wanting more. Is it wrong to want something more for yourself? I cannot stand the feeling I have day after day, sitting here feeling like I am wasting my life away. Like it is such a waste of time every single day. And that's a shame. I'm not helping anyone, not making anyones life richer or fuller by being here, not saving a life or helping the earth. Not feeding my soul or my spirit in any way. It makes me sad! Is it too much to ask for a rewarding job? I hear people say that they love their jobs all the time and I envy that.
I wish it was as easy as figuring out what I want to do and go do it. And maybe it really is but in my mind there's something stopping me. It's very draining and depressing. I'm trying not to let it bring me down but it's tough! I wish I was the kind of person who liked going to school and could go get some sort of degree. But I absolutely hated school and wouldn't go back if someone paid me. I know that sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and hang in there as best you can. Seems that's what everyone thinks I should do. But that thought alone depresses me. *sigh*
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