Lately I’ve been taking frequent trips into the past. I’ve been wondering why I did certain things or reacted a certain way. It’s fascinating how much we grow and change over time and how our priorities change.
There are those rare times when you’re actually in the moment and you stop and think to yourself...I’ll always remember this. This is special. But those times are few and far between and it’s usually not until much later when you’re sorting through cloudy memories and trying desperately to remember how something felt that you wish you’d paid more attention.
And then there’s those memories that are so vivid you can't rid your brain of them whether you're conscious or in dreams. They slowly seep into the cracks and fill you up drop by drop until there's an overflow. Those are the ones I’ve been hung up on.
It’s usually a song. I’ll hear it and freeze in my tracks. That happened today and it immediately reminded me of something specific. A night that wasn’t meant to be anything special. No grand actions were taken to make it unforgettable. But somehow it was. I still remember that night clearly as if it recently happened. In reality, it was a good 8 years ago.
Sometimes it really weighs heavy on my mind and I wonder why I think of them so often and why I can recall them so poignantly. I’ve lost sleep over it and shed many tears and felt guilt over the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about them but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that - they were the best of times. It was a critical time in my life where I was growing and changing and learning and becoming the person that I am today. But there’s a longing in the way I remember them. A feeling that settles into my bones when I think about being in that moment. A regret, a jealousy, a sadness.
It’s been a real struggle to transition those thoughts into fondness rather than regret. Obviously, so many years later I still haven’t gotten there and I wonder what’s the hold up.
I’m ready. I’m ready to be past the sadness and the regret and the longing and cross over into the fond remembrance phase where you think back on something with a smile and in the same second are grateful for who and where you are today. Instead, I still have those days where I spend the whole day missing those times so bad I can hardly breathe.
It’s an odd thing to know that you had everything you could ever want in the palm of your hand at one time in your life and you threw it all away. Not really knowing at the time that it would be everything you ever wanted. It’s so ironic that my mind can’t even comprehend it most of the time.
The guilt inevitably sets in. Because I know that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. I have absolutely everything. And I am so thankful for the blessings in my life. I know that I'm so lucky that every single morning I am able to get into my new car and go buy a coffee on the way to work. I think about it every single day and am grateful. It's that mindset that people are never satisfied with what they have. Always wanting more. I don't want to contribute to that whatsoever.
I see it as a balloon in the wind that wants so badly to be free but something is holding the string and not letting go. The balloon swoops from side to side but can never completely fly away. It's smothering sometimes.
I talked to a friend about this a short time ago and we both wondered if this is Karma of some kind. Part of me thinks it is.
Emotions are strange. Just a couple of weeks ago I had tears in my eyes and a lightness in my heart and wanted to shout out loud that one person shouldn't hold that much happiness. Today, I'm wondering if I'm being held responsible for my actions in ways that bind me inside myself, wishing to feel free again. It will pass, as it always does. But I'm thankful that I'm aware. Fate has not pulled the wool over my eyes.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Bonnaroo
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I survived! I'll start off with that.
Going into this trip I had done quite a bit of researching and knew what to expect. I'd seen the pictures and read the stories and watched the videos and knew pretty much what I was getting myself into. That did not however, prepare me for the blistering temperatures. It was brutal. Hotter than when I went to Haiti or Jamaica or Grand Cayman. Or Texas or Florida....
Our Thursday started off early at 6 am. The drive to Manchester was fine, filled with all the appropriate road trip snacks. Little did I know that would be my last cup of coffee for 4 days. After sitting in hellacious traffic for about 5 hours, this happened....
Yep. Didn't make for a great day. The trooper got out of his car to direct traffic and left it in drive apparently. It rolled right into us. People were laughing and pointing and at that point we could only laugh with them. It looked like we had just rear ended him instead of him hitting us. It was drivable so we shrugged it off and finally got in the right line and waited a few more hours to get in. Didn't get searched a single time despite the horror stories I had heard.
The long day of lines paid off because we had an amazing camp site with about a 6 or 7 minute walk to Centeroo.
I was stoked about that. Because honestly, if it had been any further away we wouldn't have made it. I will take a minute and toot my horn a little because I was a quacking trooper. I can camp with the best of them so I knew I could handle it but this was roughing it at best. The heat index was way over 100 every single day.
The mud I could handle. I had the dirty hippie feet thing going on and was fine with that. The stinkyness I could handle. I fit right in with everyone else and after the first day you just settle into your funk and deal with it. The ants I could handle. Just fling them off and eat it anyway. The lines I could handle. Just grin and bear it, you'll get there eventually. The ghetto pop-up camper I could handle. Wayyyy better than sleeping in a tent. The state trooper fender bender I could handle. The hot drinking water I could handle. The endless piles of trash I could handle. The stench I could handle. The assholes pushing and crowding and standing on me in shows I could handle.
I could not however handle the heat. It was the hottest I've ever been in my life, ever. Growing up in the South I've always been used to temps in the upper 90's but somehow, some way, it was hotter than any place on planet Earth. And I'm not even kidding. Now that it's over and we're home and re-hydrated and not in a sweltering hazy daze, I can't believe we made it. Just sitting at our campsite under our shade tent it was 100 degrees and even thinking about getting up and walking out into the sun and up to Centeroo made me tired.
But now that I've got the complaining out of the way...let me dote about the highlights. Number one being our solar shower and shower tent. Would not have survived without it. It was a trip saver and a half. Back to tooting, I quickly became somewhat of a genius on this trip. I dunno how or why it all came to me, but I saved our asses so many times. In one of our in depth conversations about it we decided that it's because I'm a Mother. In crisis after crisis my brain came to our rescue and I held it together somehow. Looking back now I think I was just in survival mode.
Aveeno 100 SPF spray. I didn't even get pink. It's still a miracle and blows my mind how good that stuff worked. The sun was hot enough to burn our clothes right off of our bodies and that sunscreen didn't even flinch. Held up like a champ and I'll never ever buy anything else.
And lastly but not leastly, our ez up shade tent. If you don't have one of those don't even bother coming to Bonnaroo. It's more important than a tent or an rv or food or anything else you could ever think to bring. It saved our lives.
On to the good stuff. And let me get one more complaint out of the way because it's probably the biggest one. The thing I've griped about the most. The thing that broke my heart. The Black Keys. My number one. We got there about and hour and a half early and got an awesome spot up frontish that I was totally happy with. My back was killing me and it was almost midnight so it had been a long day but I was more than willing to wait it out and hang in there. This is what I'd waited for afterall. Well.... didn't quite work out like I'd planned. The closer it got to show time the more crowded it became. Which of course I expected, it's the quacking Black Keys! But then all of a sudden it wasn't just crowded. It was dangerously crowded. People were being total asses and pushing and crowding to the point of smothering eachother. The Keys came out and we couldn't see at all. Not even the tops of their heads. So we bailed. When we finally got out of the tent and wound our way around to the side I could see them a tiny bit. I saw Tighten Up, which was radical, but after that we said quack it. We were soo worn out and exhausted we just trudged our way back to camp. Yep...my heart was broken.
I did see some awesome sets though. And got some nice surprises to boot. Jamey Johnson was awesome. There was something special going on. I cried for pretty much the whole thing. The very first note of 'Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes' had me in tears. I didn't expect to love it but I did.
Avett Brothers saved the day on Saturday. It was unbearably hot but we lucked out and found a sweet spot sitting by a girl with an umbrella right behind the pit so we stuck close to her for about an hour until they came out. They chased the sun right outta the sky and it rained for the last half of their set which was absolutely perfect. The sun never came back out after that. The girl beside us with the umbrella was so stoked for them. She said it was her number one so it was fun watching her jump up and down and sing along.
Going into this trip I had done quite a bit of researching and knew what to expect. I'd seen the pictures and read the stories and watched the videos and knew pretty much what I was getting myself into. That did not however, prepare me for the blistering temperatures. It was brutal. Hotter than when I went to Haiti or Jamaica or Grand Cayman. Or Texas or Florida....
More on that later.
Our Thursday started off early at 6 am. The drive to Manchester was fine, filled with all the appropriate road trip snacks. Little did I know that would be my last cup of coffee for 4 days. After sitting in hellacious traffic for about 5 hours, this happened....
Yep. Didn't make for a great day. The trooper got out of his car to direct traffic and left it in drive apparently. It rolled right into us. People were laughing and pointing and at that point we could only laugh with them. It looked like we had just rear ended him instead of him hitting us. It was drivable so we shrugged it off and finally got in the right line and waited a few more hours to get in. Didn't get searched a single time despite the horror stories I had heard.
The long day of lines paid off because we had an amazing camp site with about a 6 or 7 minute walk to Centeroo.
I was stoked about that. Because honestly, if it had been any further away we wouldn't have made it. I will take a minute and toot my horn a little because I was a quacking trooper. I can camp with the best of them so I knew I could handle it but this was roughing it at best. The heat index was way over 100 every single day.
The mud I could handle. I had the dirty hippie feet thing going on and was fine with that. The stinkyness I could handle. I fit right in with everyone else and after the first day you just settle into your funk and deal with it. The ants I could handle. Just fling them off and eat it anyway. The lines I could handle. Just grin and bear it, you'll get there eventually. The ghetto pop-up camper I could handle. Wayyyy better than sleeping in a tent. The state trooper fender bender I could handle. The hot drinking water I could handle. The endless piles of trash I could handle. The stench I could handle. The assholes pushing and crowding and standing on me in shows I could handle.
I could not however handle the heat. It was the hottest I've ever been in my life, ever. Growing up in the South I've always been used to temps in the upper 90's but somehow, some way, it was hotter than any place on planet Earth. And I'm not even kidding. Now that it's over and we're home and re-hydrated and not in a sweltering hazy daze, I can't believe we made it. Just sitting at our campsite under our shade tent it was 100 degrees and even thinking about getting up and walking out into the sun and up to Centeroo made me tired.
But now that I've got the complaining out of the way...let me dote about the highlights. Number one being our solar shower and shower tent. Would not have survived without it. It was a trip saver and a half. Back to tooting, I quickly became somewhat of a genius on this trip. I dunno how or why it all came to me, but I saved our asses so many times. In one of our in depth conversations about it we decided that it's because I'm a Mother. In crisis after crisis my brain came to our rescue and I held it together somehow. Looking back now I think I was just in survival mode.
Aveeno 100 SPF spray. I didn't even get pink. It's still a miracle and blows my mind how good that stuff worked. The sun was hot enough to burn our clothes right off of our bodies and that sunscreen didn't even flinch. Held up like a champ and I'll never ever buy anything else.
And lastly but not leastly, our ez up shade tent. If you don't have one of those don't even bother coming to Bonnaroo. It's more important than a tent or an rv or food or anything else you could ever think to bring. It saved our lives.
On to the good stuff. And let me get one more complaint out of the way because it's probably the biggest one. The thing I've griped about the most. The thing that broke my heart. The Black Keys. My number one. We got there about and hour and a half early and got an awesome spot up frontish that I was totally happy with. My back was killing me and it was almost midnight so it had been a long day but I was more than willing to wait it out and hang in there. This is what I'd waited for afterall. Well.... didn't quite work out like I'd planned. The closer it got to show time the more crowded it became. Which of course I expected, it's the quacking Black Keys! But then all of a sudden it wasn't just crowded. It was dangerously crowded. People were being total asses and pushing and crowding to the point of smothering eachother. The Keys came out and we couldn't see at all. Not even the tops of their heads. So we bailed. When we finally got out of the tent and wound our way around to the side I could see them a tiny bit. I saw Tighten Up, which was radical, but after that we said quack it. We were soo worn out and exhausted we just trudged our way back to camp. Yep...my heart was broken.
I did see some awesome sets though. And got some nice surprises to boot. Jamey Johnson was awesome. There was something special going on. I cried for pretty much the whole thing. The very first note of 'Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes' had me in tears. I didn't expect to love it but I did.
Avett Brothers saved the day on Saturday. It was unbearably hot but we lucked out and found a sweet spot sitting by a girl with an umbrella right behind the pit so we stuck close to her for about an hour until they came out. They chased the sun right outta the sky and it rained for the last half of their set which was absolutely perfect. The sun never came back out after that. The girl beside us with the umbrella was so stoked for them. She said it was her number one so it was fun watching her jump up and down and sing along.
Kings of Leon surprised me for some reason. I expected it to be good, but it was much better than good. They were amazing! I had almost forgotten how great of a voice Caleb has. Wow. That was fun show.
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band was good. Although it was one of the hottest shows we stood for, it was worth it. Fun crowd at that show.
Norah Jones has an amazing voice. I barely remember that show because of the heat. I was just focused on not passing out and worrying about getting a cold drink of water, but from what I remember, it was pretty amazing.
Stevie Wonder!! His show was strange. Great, but strange. He didn't play the two songs that I was most excited to hear! So that was a bummer. No Part Time Lover or I Just Called. What's up with that? But today it's just hitting me that I saw Stevie Wonder!!!
All in all it was an awesome time. We would have had the time of our lives had it not been for the heat. Not to be a downer, but it's true.
It wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Then again, I was in heat shock.
And I'll be damned if I didn't miss this...
There's always next year....right?
Restless
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I am so ready for my vacation. To wander from moment to moment with nothing but open ears is definitely my idea of a good time. I have no real expectations about this experience at all. I just know that I was born ready. 48 hours to go!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.
Brothers
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I'm in love. Big time. THIS RECORD!!! Few things in life excite me like new, ridiculously good music. Bonnaroo is in T-minus 8 days and my number one priority there is to get up front for this band. My mind is already blown and it hasn't even happened yet.
This album is just plain sex. So sexy. Dan is like a savory little cheese danish sprinkled lightly in powdered sugar that kinda puffs when you take a bite. Man oh Dan. Studly Dan.
And this tasty little treat from Letterman the other night. *whistles*
This album is just plain sex. So sexy. Dan is like a savory little cheese danish sprinkled lightly in powdered sugar that kinda puffs when you take a bite. Man oh Dan. Studly Dan.
And this tasty little treat from Letterman the other night. *whistles*
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