Prayers and Mantras and Crazyness

I always have a 3 o'clock snack. It's how I make it through the days. It's usually fruit or yogurt or an organic protein bar. Today, my 3 o'clock snack was a bagel. With the cream cheese. I've fallen on hard times....what can I say? Other than cheese, which is my all time favorite food in all the world, these particular bagels are my most favorite thing to eat. I'm well aware they're not the most healthy choice but my body literally craves them. It's the strangest thing. And I'm not making this up! At least they're free of high fructose corn syrup and most of those yucky things, so I do feel better about that. But I'm afraid that even if they weren't HFCS free...I'd probably still be eating them everyday. If for some reason I don't get to eat one for breakfast I will crave them throughout the day. And I'll smell them at odd times. They creep into my thoughts when I least expect it and seduce me into one! Like now. I have a perfectly good banana sitting here on my desk, which I'd planned to have all day when three rolled around but instead, my mind swindled me right into a bagel. My second of the day! I will definitely have to fit in a workout tonight.


I have been in another realm of reality for the past few weeks. I've been a little worried about myself a few times. Things are happening and changing and happening. I've felt so out of control and that's not my favorite feeling. I can't even begin to explain it all, but changes are happening all around. So many of them. I get dizzy from it sometimes. My magical book is almost finished and I am sad that it's over. I honestly don't think I would have made it through this stressful time if I hadn't had this book to guide me. Okay I take that back. I would have made it, but I probably would have had some sort of breakdown in the process. It couldn't have come to me at a better time. Like a sign. That's what I've taken it as. It's like every page was written just for me. And I've submerged myself in it, sometimes reading parts over and over until I understand the meaning fully. Which I don’t always, some things are way over my head.



My 11 year old son is in therapy for anxiety. There is no stress in the world like when there’s something wrong with your child. Especially when you can do absolutely nothing to make them feel better. The doctor has told me that it’s probably hereditary, which makes me feel terrible, knowing that I’ve cursed him for like with worry. But this intense worrying that he’s been doing is so unhealthy and scary. He’s not sleeping much, he’s crying a good 4 nights out of 7. He thinks about it all day at school. The worst part for me is the physical changes that I’ve seen in him. He looks so worried and depressed. Not all of the time, but a lot, and it’s not getting any better. He wants to be close to me all the time and doesn’t want to go anywhere if I’m not going to be there. I did this too when I was little, but not to this extreme. His therapist has told him to write about it and get all of his thoughts out. He has been doing that the past two weeks but I don’t see that it’s helping him at all. Yesterday at his appointment, he was telling her about his worries with dying. Him dying, me dying, my mom dying. Apparently she think he’s having issues with the unknown of what happens after you die. So....she told him it might be a good idea to ask his family what they believe happens after you die. Yikes. This is something I wasn’t prepared for. In large part because I want to tell him that I believe when you die that you go to heaven to be with Jesus. I feel that that is what I am supposed to tell him, although that’s not necessarily what I believe. I’m just now exploring and learning about what I believe to be true, but I don’t think right now is the best time to tell him that. I don’t want to scare him more.



Van and I have been discussing religion and beliefs for quite a while and decided a while back to explore all of our options because neither of us are real big on organized religion. But lately, especially lately, I’ve been getting a better sense of what I believe and want to practice. But just because that’s what I believe, I don’t want him to think that it’s the only way or that he has to believe it too. I want him to have his own beliefs.



So, the past few weeks have been crazy with little sleep, new responsibilities, interviews, doctor visits, homework, new habits, new awakenings, signing up for classes, stress, fear, frustration. AHHHH!!! It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Even writing about it now it’s a little crazy how much things have changed in such a short amount of time. Hopefully we’ll all adjust and settle down. That’s what I’m praying anyways.