This makes me sigh in a dreamy way. I think I could listen forever. I loooove his voice.
Be Still
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
For some reason, whenever I have an off day coming up, I always feel the need to plan the day. I'll even start by making an outline...what will be for breakfast and if I'll be running or doing yoga. Sometimes I go as far as to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish in that day. This need to plan every thing and fill every moment drives me insane. I heard a woman the other day tell one of our doctors when he asked her what was going on in her world (this woman has had breast cancer for years) "well....today I think I will make a flower arrangement." It was such s simple answer and I've thought about it ever since.
One of my main new year resolutions was to live in the now. When your mind and body have been on auto pilot for so long its very foreign when you have an awakening and step out of that box. I'm trying very hard, perhaps too hard to pay attention to what the universe is telling me. I've done everything it's told me to do so now I'm just sitting here waiting for what's next. Exactly where I am today is no accident. I'm exactly where I'm meant to be and I am ready for what's next. Buzzing with readiness and this week I think I finally understand.
I have had issues with working part time. It's gone in stages. At first, I was too busy to have any free time on my days off whatsoever. And I kept longing for a day when I could sit and do nothing. And then all of a sudden....that's exactly what happened. And I hated it. I would get panicky and think...is this what I'm doing with my life?? I felt it was so pointless for me to not be working. I would feel guilty for it. I would feel lazy. If all the housework was done, I'd find myself walking around looking for things to do.
It has really been a challenge. But that's what I asked for. And last week I understood that my next lesson is to be still. Without feeling anxious and without feeling guilty or bored or lazy. All this time, without knowing, this is what I've wanted most to learn.
I have worked a full time job since I was 14 years old, sometimes working 2 jobs at once. I was raised that if you're not working, then you're lazy. And it's very hard to change that mindset. "Well she doesn't work...she has plenty of time." I've heard things like that my whole life about people who work part time or don't work at all and it gets under my skin these days. It's something I have to overcome.
This has always been one of my favorite Iron and Wine songs. Maybe my most favorite. I've listened to it over and over this morning. It's very calming and quiet and perfect on this rainy day. The house is dark and as I'm sitting here at the kitchen table listening, something Jason says all the time comes to mind. 'This is what my life looks like.'
One of my main new year resolutions was to live in the now. When your mind and body have been on auto pilot for so long its very foreign when you have an awakening and step out of that box. I'm trying very hard, perhaps too hard to pay attention to what the universe is telling me. I've done everything it's told me to do so now I'm just sitting here waiting for what's next. Exactly where I am today is no accident. I'm exactly where I'm meant to be and I am ready for what's next. Buzzing with readiness and this week I think I finally understand.
I have had issues with working part time. It's gone in stages. At first, I was too busy to have any free time on my days off whatsoever. And I kept longing for a day when I could sit and do nothing. And then all of a sudden....that's exactly what happened. And I hated it. I would get panicky and think...is this what I'm doing with my life?? I felt it was so pointless for me to not be working. I would feel guilty for it. I would feel lazy. If all the housework was done, I'd find myself walking around looking for things to do.
It has really been a challenge. But that's what I asked for. And last week I understood that my next lesson is to be still. Without feeling anxious and without feeling guilty or bored or lazy. All this time, without knowing, this is what I've wanted most to learn.
I have worked a full time job since I was 14 years old, sometimes working 2 jobs at once. I was raised that if you're not working, then you're lazy. And it's very hard to change that mindset. "Well she doesn't work...she has plenty of time." I've heard things like that my whole life about people who work part time or don't work at all and it gets under my skin these days. It's something I have to overcome.
This has always been one of my favorite Iron and Wine songs. Maybe my most favorite. I've listened to it over and over this morning. It's very calming and quiet and perfect on this rainy day. The house is dark and as I'm sitting here at the kitchen table listening, something Jason says all the time comes to mind. 'This is what my life looks like.'
things to come
Such a gloomy, rainy day today. Perfect for curling up and reading a cozy book. Which is the exact plan after my much needed hair cut. The Universe put her foot down this morning when my lil man woke up with a fever of 102. We had tons of plans today...a dentist appointment at 7:30, then to Panera for breakfast, then a little shopping before my hair appointment at 12:30. Instead, I had to cancel the dentist appointment and replace it with a doctor appointment and there was no breakfast at all.
I've been feeling rather inadequate lately. I guess that would be the word. I feel very nonproductive in my goals. I love my job, honestly I do, but the plan was that I would work part time there and when I wasn't working, that time would be spent on pottery. So many things have prevented me from doing that. The weather mostly. Right now in my current living arrangements, the only place for my wheel is in the garage and its been freezing. Spring is coming and I know I'll have more time to work out there, but it's frustrating having to wait for warmer weather to go chasin' dreams. This is a good opportunity to practice patients and remind myself to slow down, that all good things come to those who wait and that this won't always be my situation... but it's proving to be easier said than done. I'm not doing anything to work toward my vision. Only in my mind!
Even though I'm frustrated, I have this peaceful feeling about the whole thing. I know that somehow, everything will work out the way it should. That just because right now things aren't going exactly the way I'd like and I'm not cranking out a piece every hour, that my time will come when it's the right time. We want everything now and yesterday and I am okay with waiting. I'm excited about the future and new possibilities. I just have to stay centered and focus on the now and know that these days are just a means to an end. Not to say that I'm not enjoying these days, because I am. I kind of feel like this is the calm before the storm, and it's ok to relish the quiet times. Some times I get panicky and think that I'm losing sight of the bigger picture. But then all I have to do is be still and the bigger picture is clear as day.
I've been feeling rather inadequate lately. I guess that would be the word. I feel very nonproductive in my goals. I love my job, honestly I do, but the plan was that I would work part time there and when I wasn't working, that time would be spent on pottery. So many things have prevented me from doing that. The weather mostly. Right now in my current living arrangements, the only place for my wheel is in the garage and its been freezing. Spring is coming and I know I'll have more time to work out there, but it's frustrating having to wait for warmer weather to go chasin' dreams. This is a good opportunity to practice patients and remind myself to slow down, that all good things come to those who wait and that this won't always be my situation... but it's proving to be easier said than done. I'm not doing anything to work toward my vision. Only in my mind!
Even though I'm frustrated, I have this peaceful feeling about the whole thing. I know that somehow, everything will work out the way it should. That just because right now things aren't going exactly the way I'd like and I'm not cranking out a piece every hour, that my time will come when it's the right time. We want everything now and yesterday and I am okay with waiting. I'm excited about the future and new possibilities. I just have to stay centered and focus on the now and know that these days are just a means to an end. Not to say that I'm not enjoying these days, because I am. I kind of feel like this is the calm before the storm, and it's ok to relish the quiet times. Some times I get panicky and think that I'm losing sight of the bigger picture. But then all I have to do is be still and the bigger picture is clear as day.
stars align sometimes
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I never should have looked. It's been the plan all along that next year, next spring we would sell this house and look for another. But I just thought....eh...I'll start looking now just to see what's out there. That was mistake number one. Because the house that I have loved for years, the one I always drive by and swoon over, the one that was finally for sale but WAY out of our price range is finally, at this very moment, for sale and absolutely smack dab in the center of our price range.
Damn.
I work with a realtor and she pulled up every speck of dirt she could find on this house for me yesterday. When it's been sold and to whom and for how much and what the inspections said. Mistake number two. I want this house unbelievably much. So much. I know realistically that I'm not going to live there. The timing isn't right, the down payment isn't right yet...hence another year for saving, so I know that I'm just going to have to let it go, but my little heart just can't wrap around those facts. It was meant to be I think. What are the odds that MY house that I've been in love with for years, and I mean a weekly drive by, is for sale, finally in my price range. That's just crazy!
But I decided last night, this all happened just to keep my dream alive and keep me on my toes so that when the time is finally right, I will find something I love equally as much. Today I am driving by one more time to sigh in the yard. One day damnit I will own something equally as wonderful. That's a promise.
Damn.
I work with a realtor and she pulled up every speck of dirt she could find on this house for me yesterday. When it's been sold and to whom and for how much and what the inspections said. Mistake number two. I want this house unbelievably much. So much. I know realistically that I'm not going to live there. The timing isn't right, the down payment isn't right yet...hence another year for saving, so I know that I'm just going to have to let it go, but my little heart just can't wrap around those facts. It was meant to be I think. What are the odds that MY house that I've been in love with for years, and I mean a weekly drive by, is for sale, finally in my price range. That's just crazy!
But I decided last night, this all happened just to keep my dream alive and keep me on my toes so that when the time is finally right, I will find something I love equally as much. Today I am driving by one more time to sigh in the yard. One day damnit I will own something equally as wonderful. That's a promise.
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