Discouraged

I had my chance this weekend to 'practice what I preach' and I didn't do it. I've been going over my excuses for the past two days... I didn't want to offend anyone....They were guests from out of town...They're my girlfriends family...What I think doesn't matter to them...

But what if it does? What if I had spoke up and defended what I believe to be right. Would it have shed a new light on some one's view? It was my Birthday celebration after all. I was happily having drinks with friends and family and the conversation quickly turned to garbage. Prejudices. I sat there trying everything to block it all out. I tried meditating, focusing on my breathing and drowning out their voices, but that didn't work very well. Then I sat there panicking, feeling like I was about to blurt out something I would regret later on. Then finally, my eyes filled with tears and I retreated into the house like the coward I was. I was and am so disappointed in myself. I feel like not only did I let myself down, but I let down all the Mexicans and Indians and Chinese that they were degrading. At one point something was said about a murder that had taken place and my friend asked..."was it a Mexican?" and the reply was "of course. white people aren't that crazy."

How sad. It fills me with so much sadness to hear people talking that way. I didn't want to hear that on my birthday. I wanted to ask him what he thinks makes him any better than them. But I didn't. I sat there like a silent hypocrite, wearing my Bushwalla 'optimist' t-shirt, holding it all in.

It really discouraged me. It put me in the mindset of - world peace really is impossible. I don't want to think in such a negative way. Removing myself from the situation didn't help anything or anyone. It only made things worse, I realize. I feel horrible about it and no one's more the wiser because of it. I might have really changed an opinion or at least opened a mind a fraction of a crack. You never know. And I blew my chance.

Now I just have to be ready for next time. And I WILL be ready!