struggles

The more time goes by and the older I get the more I realize so many things about my life that have changed because of things that happened years ago, choices I made, people I met. I’ve undergone so many changes in the past few years it’s hard to remember who I was then and why I made those choices. Thing is...it doesn’t matter why. I know that my life could and probably would be a lot different right now if I had thought things through and not been so selfish. But...things have a wonderful way of working themselves out.

I’ve learned what it means to truly know who you are. I’ve followed my own path regardless of what everyone else wanted and I finally stopped caring about who thought I was right or wrong for doing so. I’m finally proud of the person I am and I can honestly say that I’m happy with my life and the way things are.

I haven’t always been honest with myself. I wasn’t always honest with the people who mattered the most in my life as well. Why is that? Why do people lie to the ones they love the most? To save their own face? I guess we believe that it will lessen the blow and make things easier for them when in reality we are making things much worse. I’ve learned that the hard way. Today is my 29th birthday and the good thing about getting older is the lessons I’ve learned in my mistakes and knowing that I am better for it.

This year I decided to get healthy. Physically, mentally, spiritually. It is definitely harder than I thought but I am surprisingly doing a fine job. There are things that I’ve carried with me for a long time, that I still carry and it’s been rough letting them go. These last couple of weeks especially. It’s not easy training your mind to think a totally different way than it’s used to thinking. But it can be done. This has been the hardest part for me.

It’s not been hard to give up coke and dr pepper and cake and french fries and candy. It’s not been hard running and exercising and taking vitamins everyday. It’s not been hard to buy different foods so I get more fiber, flax, fish oils and calcium. It’s been easy rearranging my life to benefit the earth and do as much as I can to help our planet.

It has been hard however, to wash my mind, so to speak of all the unhealthy things I”ve been accustomed to. Actually I’m not doing all that well with this part. It’s much harder than I thought and since I’ve never really tried hard enough to actually do this, I’m not sure how. I have a really great support system and that makes it much easier but I struggle with it daily. I need some sort of closure and I’m afraid I’ll never get it. My mind plays tricks on me. I’ll go for quite a while thinking that something has been resolved within my own heart and then I will slowly realize it’s not gone at all. It was hiding. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember and I hate it.

I am determined to change that about myself and be happy in this life. I need to focus on the things I can change and let the rest go. It’s a slow going process but I can do it. And I look forward to that day!